Why your old self keeps pulling you back
I just finished reading Dan Koe’s essay, “Life is a mind game. Here’s how you win.”
Honestly, I’m the type who often says “I’ll get serious tomorrow.” I buy a course, I’m fired up for a week or two, and then I slide back into my old patterns. It’s like there’s a pull that keeps dragging me back.
The essay explains why that happens, and a few of the insights really hit home.
Your mind is built to survive
The premise is simple: your mind is designed to survive.
Not just your body, your identity too. The way you think, your habits, even the way you see yourself: all of it wants to stay “safe.”
That’s why every time you try to change, the old version of you feels like it’s under attack. And it fights back, usually with the easiest weapon: instant comfort.
In the end you run to familiar things: scrolling, snacking, or putting it off with “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Dan Koe has a name for these: “memes” (not the funny kind).
The term comes from Richard Dawkins. It means ideas, beliefs and habits that “spread” from one person to another. Like genes in the body, but the mental version.
The problem is that the “memes” that have stuck to us since childhood, from our parents, from school, from social media, tend to want to survive.
That’s why change feels heavy. What you’re up against isn’t just laziness. It’s an identity pattern that took shape a long time ago and keeps trying to stay the same.
It’s not discipline, it’s what you fear
There’s an interesting point here. The difference between people who move forward and people who stay stuck isn’t discipline. It’s what they fear most.
The ones who are stuck fear failure more, so they tend to avoid things that might make them fall.
The ones who keep growing fear being ordinary more, so they avoid the things that keep them stagnant.
Both are driven by fear. The only difference is the direction. One moves away from failure, the other moves away from standing still.
Four steps to change direction
So how do you shift from “afraid of failing” to “afraid of being stuck”? Dan Koe suggests four steps. In my own words:
- Find a reason that’s “heavy” enough to pull you forward
- Picture clearly who you’ll become if you stay in your current patterns
- Change your environment faster than your brain can get comfortable again
- Practice a small pause between “I want to” and “doing it right away”
Picture who you’ll become
Step 2 is the one that hit me hardest.
Take a piece of paper. Write: if I keep living like I do now, who will I be in five years? Write it honestly. No filter.
If the answer makes you feel a bit uncomfortable with yourself, that’s exactly your fuel.
The hard part is getting to this point. Not because we don’t know, but because it’s hard to be that honest with ourselves.
The one doing the judging is yourself, and that’s where the conflict is. We’re both the one being judged and the one judging.
Change your environment
Step 3 is often underestimated, even though the effect is big.
Part of “you” doesn’t only live in your head. It’s spread out around you: in your workplace, your social media feed, even your daily routine.
That’s why going somewhere else for a few days, or resetting your phone and social media, is a way to break old patterns.
I’ve felt this myself. Every time I change my work environment or completely overhaul my social media feed, there’s always a 2–3 week phase where it feels like I’ve become a new version of myself.
Pause between the urge and the action
Step 4 is the most challenging one.
You’re reflexively reaching for your phone. You’re thinking about opening the fridge in the middle of the night. You want to reply to a chat while you’re upset.
Try stopping for a moment. Don’t do anything right away. Just 3–5 seconds. Notice it first.
It looks simple. But it’s in that small moment that you have the control to choose. Outside of it, you’re usually just running on autopilot.
Playing, not winning
The interesting part: it turns out “winning” isn’t the main goal.
People chasing Rp 10 billion usually don’t stop there. Once they get it, the target moves again. Same with people chasing the ideal body: they rarely feel it’s enough. Something’s always missing.
So the point isn’t about winning or being done. What matters more is being able to play wholeheartedly, without falling apart when things don’t turn out the way you wanted.
Work seriously, go all in. But don’t hang your self-worth on the end result. If you miss, stay calm and keep going.
What hit me the hardest was this: pain can’t be avoided. But suffering is often something we add ourselves, from a mind that won’t accept reality.
For example, when revenue drops. The blow is real. But what makes it heavier is the story in your head: “why me?”, “this means I’ve failed.”
I’m not fully there yet either. But at least now I know which direction to practice in.